furniture warehouse! - we are fed up and we've had enough! - surgeon general, 12 more fedexs have been taken over. the pissed off and angry party is gaining more support. - they've shut down american airlines and american apparels all over the country. we have to ask you to step down. - are you seriously saying we're going to give in to their demands? - they are all really angry. we have to make them stop. is the team standing by to [bleep] that little boy kyle? - team is standing by, sir. - excuse me. excuse me. let me through. - who is this? - surgeon general, i believe i know why this is happening. i have found a direct correlation between anger and t.m.i. anger equals length times width over mass squared minus angle of the shaft plus yaw. look, we all get angry, but when someone is consistently angry, or always finding new reasons to be angry, it means they have a very, very, very, very small dick.

- your theory is fine, doctor, but it doesn't matter. the t.m.i. equation is true solid science which cannot be changed. there's nothing we can do about it. - isn't there? isn't... there? - we've waited long enough, randy! let's start killing these sons of bitches! - no, please! - yeah, dude, they aren't gonna give us what we want. - yo, let's cap these bitches, mah. let's cap and leave 'em in the back of the buildin', mah. - hey, come over here. look. - we interrupt this newscast for an important message from the surgeon general. - fellow americans, as you all know, the t.m.i. scale was implemented long ago to assure that each and every american could accurately measure their junk. the established equation is 100% accurate. - argh! - shh! - however, due to recently collected data, we are making one change. the national average for penis length is now officially moved, from 6 inches to 1.5 inches. anyone with a t.m.i. of over 1.5 inches is considered above average.

- ♪ the winds of change are blowin' ♪ ♪ there's excitement in the air ♪ ♪ can you feel it? ♪ it's electric and magical ♪ ♪ the happy train's on track ♪ ♪ because america is back ♪ yeah! ♪ woo hoo! come on! ♪ - wait, what? [all cheering] - ♪ america is back ♪ america is back - wait, according to that scale, i still have a small wiener! - ♪ america is back - i'm still [bleep] angry! - ♪ back and we're back and we're back ♪ ♪ we're so back, we're so back ♪ ♪ back back back back back ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central

from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ cheers and applause ] >> john: welcome to the daily show. [ cheers and applause ] my name is john oliver. i am still sitting in for jon stewart who has been spending the entire summer at training camp with the new york giants. apparently he's extremely happy and in almost constant pain. our guest tonight tv legend and host of the new show crowd goes wild on fox 1 regis philbin is here. [ cheers and applause ] oh, yes, indeed. we start tonight with the news media. now, personally i get all my news from jon stewart and the daily show. which is why i have absolutely no idea what's been happening this summer. but apparently some people get their current affairs from newspapers. or as i like to call them paper

television. i'm talking about things like the "new york times," the wall street journal, or whatever the [bleep] that free thing is that people shove in your face whenever you get into the subway. the point is a free press is of course the backbone of a democracy. but increasingly that free press has had quite a high price tag. >> the "washington post," the city's legendary yet struggling newspaper sold to one of the country's wealthiest men, amazon.com chairman jeff bezos. >> the "washington post" is is now owned by the head of amazon and its 14 print subscribers are already noticing one difference because the paper now comes in ludicrously wasteful packaging. but i will say they've made it much easier to return the news if you don't like it. still, this acquisition raises some big questions. first, how do you pronounce that guy's name? (pronouncing it differently n) i

don't know. secondly, are you sure that this is a good investment? >> for 0 years the "washington post" has been owned by the grand family earning a reputation for top investigative journalism. but like most papers, it struggled over the past ten years. >> its circulation is half what it was in '93. >> it lost more than $50 million last year. >> john: oh, my god. i think i get it. this is just bezos' car wash. it's a front for a massive meth operation. say his name it's he euvment senbezos. so if this is not a money maker, why is he doing this? >> bezos can spend an enormous amount of money on the "washington post" without really taking too much of a dent in his own private fortune so he has the leeway to make major experiments. >> john: now it makes sense. he's so rich it just doesn't matter.

it's not so much a question of why so much as it is why the [bleep] not? let's all just be happy that all he's experimenting on is print journalism and he's not spending $250 million to cross breed a rotweiller with a peach. delicious and vicious. say hello to georgia's state animal. part of me wonders, if he's just doing this so that he can rush into the printing room at 3:00 in the morning and scream, "stop the press" and then chuckle to himself and say, it was totally worth it and then shut down the newspaper. i could understand that. or maybe he got the idea from some of his billionaire friends. >> the owner of the boston red sox is buying the globe. eric curbner has bought the register and billionaire warren buffet has bought dozens of papers. >> john: basically there are more people currently buying newspapers than people buying

newspapers. for more on this we turn to our deranged millionaire john hodgeman. john? [ cheers and applause ] john, i have a question. why would, john, why would jeff bezos want a national newspaper? is he bored? is he trying to build a legacy? >> a legacy? what greater legacy could there be than convincing americans to subscribe to toilet paper? no, i'll tell you . jeff bezos bought the "washington post." it's because he's a poopy-head. with poop in his head. >> john: that sounds personal and extremely juvenile. >> i know, john, but jeff bezos has been one-upping me my entire career. i was just about to announce the acquisition of my own d.c. newspaper. >> john: which one? it's a major newspaper. why? >> john: the washington times? it's the washington coupon clipper penny saver. but soon to relaunch as the

"washington postier" coupon super penny saver. i can't lose those coupon clippers. they're the only ones who buy print nuchs anymore snon how much did you pay for that? >> $900 million. john: what? it was going to be more but i had a coupon. >> john: is is this a good idea, john? newspapers have notoriously become money-losing businesses. >> i'm going to disrupt the paradigm. that's billionaire speak for [bleep] [bleep]. you see, newspapers thought that people want to pay money for information. but we now know from the internet that what they really want is is their own opinions fed back to to them for free. my newspapers will be printed in three editions to cater to the liberal, conservative and cad video enthusiasts. >> john: that is a powerful group. >> 40% of our economy, john. now, look at jeff bezos' rag

from this morning. obama pushes internet proposal. (snoring) factual, boring. but my readers with the same story will have their choice of three personalized headlines. first, obama empowers proceed lee tear yat with wi-fi. or black hitler wastes tax payer money... again. or obama can have internet? >> john: i have to jump in here, i don't know. look, i am no expert in business. >> as your shabby screams to my terrified eyes. >> john: but won't printing's three editions of paper triple your costs. >> yes, john, but i'll make up for it by double-tripling my advertising. >> john: how is that possible, hodgman? newspaper advertising has fallen 50% in the last decade. >> my newspaper is going to take a cue from cutting edge technology such as radio and reality television by using product placement. now let's see how scoop bezos

reports the international news. russian president putin today affirmed his support for the syrian government. nice word bezos. you just missed a huge revenue stream. russian president putin today affirmed his support for syria's government while enjoying a ice cold moxie soda. which it turns out is not disgusting. that taste. >> john: no serious news outlet would ever engage in that kind of shameless beverage. >> have you never seen the opening sequence of morning joe brewed by starbucks. >> john: i do think my point about serious news outlets stands. this is all window dressing, hodgeman. are you going to offer the readers anything substantively new in terms of actual content? >> of course. exclusive premium content. for those selective readers willing to pay an extra fee i will also send an actual human

being the a place where news is happening. and that person will look around and ask questions and write down what's going on. >> john: that's just called basic reporting. >> oh, really? i call it hodge's on prime. i said it, bezos. come at me, poopy head. why don't you sue me if you've got the... >> john: okay. we've hit the nail on the head here. this is what concerns me. the press is a vital part of any democracy. it seems troubling that newspapers should become the idle play things of a few wealthy individuals. >> the great romantic myth of the importance of the american press. that whiskey-flavored bomb on the liver of the inevitably divorced newspaperman. the truth is, john, the news game has always been the hobby of a few rich men. ted turner, rupert murdoch. all the way back to william randolph hurst. >> william randolph hurst started the spanish-american war

just to sell papers. do you really want to go back to that era? >> yes. i'm a deranged millionaire. of course i do. let me show you the first copy of tomorrow's newspaper. hot off the presses. >> john: you are not seriously going to run with that headline, are you? >> not the cat lovers' edition, of course. >> john: thank you, john. john hodgeman, everyone. we will be rightk.ack.

>> john: welcome back. welcome back. [ cheers and applause ] there is exciting news coming in from the future. >> imagine traveling from l.a. to san francisco, 400 miles, in just half an hour. >> john: okay, okay, done. i'm going to imagine it right now. okay. i'm in los angeles. i've got an avocado wrap and a jamba juice. i'm talking to a producer who is both a big fan of me and also does not know my name. now it's half an hour later. i'm in san francisco and i'm wishing i had brought a jacket because it's august and it's always [bleep] cold there. i know why you left your heart in san francisco, tony bennett. it's freezing and it will keep it alive. but, look. this sounds like exciting technology. so what is this thing? >> a revolutionary transportation system called the hyper loop. >> a pneumatic tube that would carry passengers as fast as 800

miles an hour in aluminum capsules. >> john: an 800-mile-an-hour hyper loop. you know those old office tubes they used to fire documents around in, in the 1950s? well, now imagine a mouse crawled into one of those tubes. now imagine that it wasn't a mouse. it was you. and now just sit back and relax in that aluminum capsule and enjoy a half an hour of this. >> oh, my god! john: look, the more important point is ask yourselves this. is that experience really significantly worse than a flight on delta? >> whoa, delta!

john: so, who is behind all this? >> elon musk the technical genius who invented the space-x program, the guy behind pay pal. >> john: oh, yes, pay pal. it's that sterling example is any indication i'm sure that passengers can look forward to having their transit capsules frozen without warning and then waiting several weeks for customer service to even acknowledge it. >> pay pal! [ cheers and applause ] >> john: that is literally too kind. this hyper loop thing is a huge idea. but is it even going to work? >> it may sound crazy but consider elon musk's track record. the 42-year-old billionaire who founded pay pal inventedded the breakthrough tesla battery car and was the first to dock a commercial rocket with a space station. this is elon musk the

inspiration for the iron man's tony star character. >> john: wrong again there is no possible way that elon musk could have inspired that character because he was born in 1971 and tony stark first appeared in 1963. [ cheers and applause ] this is basic fact-checking. these kinds of mistakes have to stop. this is a catastrophic error. you've pushed me too far. okay. i wasn't expecting quite so many people to empathize. can someone please explain to me how this technology works. >> now look this thing will travel at about 500 miles an hour. >> okay. this thing will travel at about... that's a bullet train, 150 miles an hour. >> very fast. this thing will travel at 12,000 miles an hour.

>> airplanes and trains and shuttles. let's talk about this. >> john: this is how it works. this is how it works. i am a robot. i am a robot. i'm here to take you to san francisco. everyone is dead. everyone is dead. shock nato. now it's a dance party. okay. clearly no one in the media is able to understand this story. so let's go to the horse's mouth. let's hear it straight from the musk. what is this thing? >> this is a concorde, a rail gun and an air hockey table. >> john: okay. it's a cross between a concorde, a rail gun and an air hockey table. that is not an explanation. that's naming three things that sound fast. it's a cross between a

speedboat, a cheetah and get you to dohar in 15 minutes. according to my cal cue layings an actual cross between a concorde, an air gun and an air hockey table would look like this. that would actually be an amazing way to get to san francisco. the truth is, stories like this are actually some of my favorites. they're inspiring because they remind us that the future is going to hold you and exciting innovations and the great minds in our society will always be there to push us forward. and achieve the unimaginable. >> musk says he doesn't have time to actually build hyper loop. he's hoping others will make his dream become reality. >> john: what the [bleep]? that's like saying, hey, you know what we should do? find a vaccine for cancer. someone get on that. just the idea is mine. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause

we're back. our guest tonight is a legendary talk show host, hosting the show from the brand new fox sports 1 network. please welcome back to the show the magnificent regis philbin. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. john: mr. fill bin, sir, many, many thanks for being here. >> thank you very much. john: you're with fox sports 1 now. >> yes, how about that? john: is fox going to do to sports what they did to news? they're going to blame everything on the white house? >> the eagles lost today because of of obama care. >> that's funny stuff. i'm amazed.

>> john: that's nice of you to say that to me. >> i wish i could have. you know, everybody is going into it. i think all the networks will have a sports channel before long. and so fox sports starts this coming monday. >> john: sports is the perfect emotional... >> the only thing that gets ratings on the show. on the tv. >> john: because we love it. sports takes all your cares away. news is awful. so you think let's watch the sports. that is about a glorious kind of nothing. >> do you have such a sport thing in london, in england? >> john: i think we invented sports. don't listen to what the greeks said. that was naked wrestling. that was different. we have football (one audience member yells out). >> you have soccer. you have cricket. >> john: we do have cricket. are you proud of that? what is cricket all about? >> john: cricket is what about what you are able to enjoy as a

human being. as a participant and a spectator. have you ever seen any cricket? >> we just coverd cricket on the show. >> john: you did? we have a british guy who runs the whole thing michael davey. >> john: i know michael davey. i have a pretty blonde from london right next to me. >> john: yeah. you know her too. john: i love the way you say that because that is like how tv shows used to be pitched. "i get a pretty blonde from london. put her next to regis. you've got a show." i don't think even michael davis and the pretty blonde is going to be able to sell cricket to america. >> you never heard of gorgey thompson. >> john: i do. she knows you and i've been asking her about you. >> john: whoa! after the show we'll talk.

john: she's fantastic. she was on the news for years. >> ten years. john: good luck selling cricket. >> do you play cricket. john: you know what? everything in britain is class based. so cricket is for posh people. >> really? john: that's not for the likes of me. i know i sound like it. >> what sport did you play as a kid growing up. >> john: soccer. religiously. >> it's a big deal. it's getting bigger and bigger in america. >> john: i want to be a soccer player more than anything else. this was very much plan-b. >> how in the world did this happen? you wanted to play soccer and here you are. >> john: it was a complete lack of physical ability. and that's all. >> you couldn't kick the ball. john: are you a frustrated athlete as well? >> i used to play in bronx park. john: play what? baseball. john: classic. a little football. yeah, sure. >> john: you're a yankee fan. yes, i am. (a few people in the crowd

cheering). >> you've been here seven years. are you a baseball fan. >> john: i am. i immediately picked the mets. [ cheers and applause ] i'll tell you what. because you are entitled to be a yankee fan. you are born in the bronx. you can't choose to be a yankee fan. that's not how sport works. >> why did you choose to be a mets fan. >> john: i associate sport with misery. i understand the mets. >> he's funny. isn't he funny? >> john: that's official. i like him. john: this whole summer has been leading to your approval, regis. that's all i wanted. >> how long are you going to stay? if stewart stays away much longer he's out of a job. >> john: i think that's not the case. contractually and physically, i have one more day. >> are you fidding me. john: as a tv legend, do you have any tips for my final show tomorrow. >> i wish i was on it.

john: would you have dressed up like bette and sang? a crowd goes wild. it premieres on monday august 19 at 5:00 p.m. and it will also air weekdays. the wonderful regis philb

>> john: that's our show. summer is over. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> the brain child of tessla motors and space-x ceo elon musk says... >> i think it's pronounced a different way. >> how is it pronounced? i captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central

onight small town values are under attack. oh, no, did that footloose kid start dancing again? then is the government trying to get inside our heads? why else would they have a secretary of the interior? and my guest kevin spacey stars in the house of cards as a scheming congressman. i'll asked him why he switched to documentaries. in boston, mobster whitey bulger has been convicted on 31 counts. here in new york, tighty whitey bulger continues his run for mayor. this is is the colbert report. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ]